I want to tell you a story about pain and resistance. Two weeks ago I signed up for Nicky Clinch’s Listening to Life programme. I said yes in a heartbeat. And then it happened, instantly. I said no. The resistance came in so strong it took over my whole body and my whole being. It was like it was vibrating through me.
It was very childlike in it’s nature, like my inner child was having an almighty tantrum. Although I could see this, it didn’t stop it from playing out, that’s how it happens sometimes. I allowed myself to express this to Nicky and she helped me see what was showing itself, the resistance.
I thought that once we started the programme there would be relief from this feeling, but there wasn’t. It only got more intense, deeper.
It was anger, anger moving through my whole body. I was angry at myself for saying yes, angry at Nicky for not letting me off the hook, angry for being in the programme. I was feeling anger in a way that I haven’t experienced before, in a way that I’ve never let myself experience before.
Then the second weekend came, still no relief, I felt deep frustration, rage even.
Now I believe with my whole heart that we need to be with everything that we’re feeling. Knowing this doesn’t make it easy, being with it doesn’t mean that it is easy. Like every human being on this earth I want to resist, I want to run away from what hurts. Of course we do, it’s painful.
But I did allow myself the space to be with both the anger and the resistance. In all its uncomfortability. It was a bit like a seesaw – resistance, then anger, resistance, then anger. May be not even a seesaw, all intermingled together.
Then the night came, the night before the last day and I sat in meditation on my own. Just letting it be, feeling confused, not really understanding what was happening, thinking I was getting it all wrong.
And in that instant something moved. I can’t even tell you what, but a wave of relief from everything that I’d been feeling. I could breathe again.
What I’d been feeling were all the emotions that I’d stored up from the past. The anger I was feeling had nothing to do with anyone else, or the programme. It was releasing everything that I’d suppressed. Everything that I’d been unable to express as a girl, that I’d taken through into adulthood. All of the emotions were already in me. That’s why it felt so painful, that’s why it felt like a tidal wave.
We resist what is painful, of course we do. And in that, we resist what can help us heal the pain. In being with the pain you have to face it. You have to face all of you.
We all have it within us. Every single one of us. It’s within our body.
This programme took me deep, deeper than I’ve ever been before. Because with every single step that I take I go deeper and deeper. Not to be fixed, not to make myself better. But to feel everything that’s already within me.
We all try and run away from our pain. We use all sorts of resources – distraction, busyness, social media, TV, alcohol, drugs, sex, chocolate, sometimes even positivity and meditation. But no matter how far we run, it’s always still there inside of us. Waiting for it to be triggered.
But there’s something on the other side of pain. I can tell you this now I’m on the other side. But this is no different to every other time I’ve been through this. And I will keep going through this because this is the path that I have chosen. On the other side is freedom. Just for a little bit, a breaking down of something. And each time we break it down that bit more.
In January I start my programme ‘A New Way of Being’. If you want to be part of this get in touch. It’s a profound programme that can show you a different way of being in the world, a different way of being with all of who you are, no longer suppressing those parts of you.
BANT Registered Nutritionist and Maturation Coach
Nicky Duffell is a BANT Registered Nutritionist and Maturation Coach, bringing together nutrition expertise, functional medicine and powerful coaching techniques to support the whole you: Mind, Body and Soul.
Nicky qualified from The Institute for Optimum Nutrition in 2009 and is registered with The British Association for Nutrition and Lifestyle Medicine (BANT), and the Complementary & Natural Healthcare Council (CNHC). She is also a member of The Institute for Functional Medicine (IFM), and has a specialist interest in grief work.